Does Bush have his OWN exit strategy?

A Miami news service reports that George W. Bush has purchased 98,840 acres in Paraguay, near the Bolivian/Brazilian border.

It has already been reported that Jenna Bush did indeed pay a secret diplomatic visit to Paraguayan President Nicanor Duarte and U.S. Ambassador James Cason. There were no press conferences, no public sightings and no official confirmation of her 10-day trip which apparently ended last week.

The Paraguayan Senate voted last summer to “grant U.S. troops immunity from national and International Criminal Court (ICC) jurisdiction.”

Immediately afterwards, 500 heavily armed U.S. troops arrived with various planes, choppers and land vehicles at Mariscal Estigarribia Air base, which happens to be at the northern tip of Paraguay near the Bolivian/Brazilian border. More have reportedly arrived since then.

America’s ambassador to Paraguay, James Cason was posted in Havana in 2002, but last year Bush moved him to Paraguay. And Cason apparently gets around. A former “political adviser” to the U.S. Atlantic Command and NATO’s Supreme Allied Commander Atlantic, Cason has been stationed in El Salvador, Honduras, Guatemala, Panama … basically everywhere the U.S. has run secret and not-so-secret wars over the past 30 years.

The State Department has ALREADY admitted that on top of all this, Al-Qaeda Terror camp cells EXIST in THIS SAME AREA!

So here’s a fun question: Why might the president and his family need a 98,840-acre ranch in Paraguay, situated close by a known terrorist organization, protected by a semi-secret U.S. military base manned by American troops who have been exempted from war-crimes prosecution by the Paraguyan government? :-)

Sounds like the great dictator is hatching an exit strategy of his own...

And we hear that extradition is impossible from Paraguay...

Oh, you know who else escaped to Paraguay?

NAZIS! And former dictators!

Brave, brave Sir Bush... Where are you off to?

...TheScribes...

Bush, you've been drinking again, haven't you?

Did anyone see the video yesterday of Dubya's stumping for JEFF Lamberti in Des Moines, for the Iowa seat?

Oh, we wanted to emphasize "JEFF" because JEFF Lamberti is his real name. It is NOT Dave.

Yes, throughout his whooooole speech, Bush was delighted to say great things about Dave Lamberti.

"Dave and I share the same values." "Dave is looking out for America." Dave this, Dave that.

No one bothered to correct him, which shows just how scared these sheep are of their raving lunatic shepherd. When the speech was painfully over, we noticed two very disturbing things. First, the applause was light-hearted, almost a smattering. You could tell right away, not everyone clapped. Secondly, who can forget the stunned expression on JEFF's face?

Bush heads off soon to campaign now for Senator Tim DeWine, Senator Pat Allen, and Representative Ima Twitchin.

Yes, we made that last one up, but just to hear Bush say "Ima Twitchin and I share the same values." would just be a class-A riot.

...TheScribes...

The President's Weak Radio Address -- The MSTie Response

October 14, 2006:

Good morning.

Paul: Hello there!
Paula: Shhh. Trying to hear.

Earlier this week, the government of North Korea proclaimed to the world that it had conducted a successful nuclear weapons test.

Paul: And the microwaved popcorn was reportedly delicious...
Paula: Funny how they can't pinpoint exactly what happened yet. They know there was some kind of explosion, but hardly any radiation, and hardly a mark on the seismograph. What gives?! I'm confused!
Paul: Well, it's North Korea. It's not like we're told what goes on there.
Paula: Do you realize when that nation finally falls, we'll never KNOW about it?

In response to North Korea's provocative actions, America is working with our partners in the region and in the United Nations Security Council to ensure that there are serious repercussions for the North Korean regime.

Paul: Spankings for everyone!
Paula: Playing right into Bush's hands. Not smart.
Paul: Fair enough. Since we unjustly invaded a country against the wishes of the UNSC, shouldn't there be serious repercussions for us?
Paula: Believe me, Paul, we're paying for it every day...

North Korea has been pursuing nuclear weapons and defying its international commitments for years.

Paul: I, of course, have been ignoring it for quite some time.
Paula: If North Korea had oil...

In 1993, North Korea announced that it was withdrawing from the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

Paul: It's Clinton's fault!!!
Paula: Quit acting like a neocon clod.
Paul: Sorry, lost my head.

The United States negotiated with North Korea and reached a bilateral agreement in 1994:

Paul: I'm going by reports now. After all my years of cocaine and alcohol abuse, it's dang hard to remember.
Paula: 1994 to me is just a blur, really.
Paul: Barbara probably filled a lot of it in on the fly.
Paula: I ask Daddy every so often to clarify what I did in 1994...
Paul: Apparently Daddy didn't do enough...

North Korea committed to giving up its pursuit of nuclear weapons in exchange for help with peaceful nuclear power.

Paul: So what's the problem?
Paula: What's going on now, silly.

After I came to office, we discovered that North Korea had been violating this agreement for some time by continuing work on a covert nuclear weapons program.

Paula: And had I not disposed of all of the previous administrations reports and documentation, I would have known it a lot sooner.
Paul: They couldn't discover gold in a teaspoon of water.
Paula: Still seems to be pointing the finger at Clinton to me.

My administration confronted the North Korea regime with this evidence in 2002,

Paula: Which should have been 2001.
Paul: Well, 9/11 probably held a lot of things back.
Paula: You said "9/11".
Paul: Ugh.

and the North Koreans subsequently walked away from the 1994 agreement.

Paula: Because I was being a real bitch about it and wasn't willing to compromise.
Paul: And Donny Bumsfeld made the crack that they had the military strength to attack North Korea.
Paula: No wonder they left it. They didn't trust us.
Paul: They're just as paranoid as we are.

So my Administration decided to take a new approach.

Paul: Physical threats.
Paula: War games in South Korea.
Paul: Let's try LYING. That always works.

We brought together other nations in the region in an effort to resolve the situation through multilateral diplomacy.

Paula: Unlike Iraq, where we felt the best action was to invade and kill everyone.
Paul: Yes, thousands of people die when we become diplomatic, ever notice that?
Paula: And you're dealing with the insanity of a leader who craves power above all else.
Paul: Are you talking about Kim or Bush?
Paula: It's your call.

The logic behind this approach is clear:

Paul: Oh, NOW he believes in logic.
Paula: Doesn't he hate science and math?
Paul: Hey, he's just thrilled that 9-year-olds can add and subtract.

North Korea's neighbors have the most at stake, and they are North Korea's principal sources of food, energy, and trade, so it makes sense to enlist them in the effort to get the North Korean regime to end its nuclear program.

Paul: Eh?
Paula: Um, yeah I kinda got lost there too.
Paul: Trying to pound the name into our heads, I see.
Paula: Yeah, say it enough times and...
Paul: You've got your audience believing it.
Paula: Try pronouns, Shrub.
Paul: *singing* Cuz sayin' all those words over and over can really wear you dowwwwn.

This diplomatic effort was called the Six-Party Talks, and

Paul: I was really upset that there were NO parties at all.
Paula: Had to drink all by myself in a corner.
Paul: Counting the bugs on the walls...

these talks included North and South Korea, China, Japan, Russia and the United States.

Paula: Yep, that's 6! Wow, China still likes us?
Paul: I think England still likes us too.
Paula: I think they TOLERATE us, dear.
Paul: Hmm, moving on...

In September of last year, these diplomatic efforts resulted in a wide-ranging Joint Statement that offered a resolution to the problem and a better life for the North Korean people.

Paul: Do what we say or we blow you up.
Paula: All your base belong to us!
Paul: Vee haf vays uf makeeng...
Paula: Hey, he said "joint"!
Paul: I knew it! He's on pot!

In this Joint Statement, North Korea committed to abandoning all nuclear weapons and existing nuclear programs.

Paul: And as you can tell, I really screwed THAT up.
Paula: Have you noticed so far he's talked entirely of past events? Live for the moment, man!
Paul: Wait, does this include microwaves? Kim will never go for that.

North Korea was offered the prospect of normalized relations with Japan and the United States,

Paul: Selling them anime, hentai and manga porn!
Paula: PIKACHU! I choose YOU!

as well as economic cooperation in energy, trade, and investment. And the United States affirmed that we have no nuclear weapons on the Korean Peninsula and no intention to attack or invade North Korea.

Paul: Bumsfeld on the other hand...
Paula: I don't think we had any intention of invading Iraq either, but well, well, well.
Paul: It's important to understand that we did not have nuclear weapons pointed at North Korea, but we DID antagonize them by holding war-game maneuvers right in their friggin' backyard!

Unfortunately, North Korea failed to act on its commitment.

Paul: Just as we did.
Paula: When it comes to Bush, failure is always an option.

And with its actions this week, the North Korean regime has once again broken its word,

Paula: And I've just been so gullible...
Paul: I have asked you nicely not to pursue nuclear weapons. You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again!

provoked an international crisis, and denied its people the opportunity for a better life.

Paul: Well maybe if we quit sanctioning them?

We are working for a resolution to this crisis.

Paul: We're doomed.
Paula: We have more than adequate troops available to invade North Korea. Bumsfeld said so.
Paul: Working on a resolution to save my sorry ass in 2007.

Nations around the world, including our partners in the Six-Party Talks,

Paul: Just how many countries still like us anyway?
Paula: Maybe a third of the 6 parties.
Paul: What about the U.N.?
Paula: Oh, hell no.

agree on the need for a strong United Nations Security Council resolution that will require North Korea to dismantle its nuclear programs.

Paula: While laughing uproariously behind my back...
Paul: I don't think they HAVE nuclear weapons. Aren't we just going to look like idiots again, like we were in Iraq?

This resolution should also specify measures to prevent North Korea from importing or exporting nuclear or missile technologies.

Paul: Well, THAT I agree with.
Paula: Wow, red-letter day. You side with Bush on something.
Paul: I'm so ashamed.
Paula: Terrorist.

And it should prevent financial transactions or asset transfers that would help North Korea develop its nuclear or missile capabilities.

Paul: Want to broker a nuclear weapons deal?
Paula: Bite your tongue.

By passing such a resolution, we will send a clear message to the North Korean regime that its actions will not be tolerated.

Paul: And by clear message, I mean I'll pretty much muck it up and make Kim think we're going to attack.
Paula: Whee, October surprise!
Paul: He couldn't send a clear message to Laura.

And we will give the nations with the closest ties to North Korea -- China and South Korea -- a framework to use their leverage to pressure Pyongyang and persuade its regime to change course.

Paul: CHANGE course! What a novel idea! Could we try that in Iraq, you idiot?
Paula: He loves that word, course.

As we pursue a diplomatic solution, we are also reassuring our allies in the region that America remains committed to their security.

Paul: As long as they don't have a HURRICANE!
Paula: Oooh, low blow.

We have strong defense alliances with Japan and South Korea, and the United States will meet these commitments.

Paul: DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!
Paula: Excuse me one moment whilst I don my cheerleading outfit...
Paul: Sometimes the best offense is a good defense.
Paula: I don't think that works in a nuclear war, hon.

And in response to North Korea's provocation, we will seek to increase our defense cooperation with our allies, including cooperation on ballistic missile defense to protect against North Korean aggression, and cooperation to prevent North Korea from importing or exporting nuclear or missile technologies.

Paul: Didn't he JUST say this?
Paula: Didn't YOU just say that?
Paul: Oh.

Our goals remain clear: peace and security in Northeast Asia, and a nuclear-free Korean Peninsula.

Paul: Iraq is in Northeast Asia now, I didn't know that.
Paula: It must have moved in the last bombing.
Paul: Our goal remains uncertain, but we assure all Americans the goal will continue to change and we'll make it up as we go along...

We will do what is necessary to achieve these goals.

Paul: Great, even invading another country...
Paula: Paul, think. What goal has Bush accomplished so far?
Paul: Ooh, good point.

We will support our allies in the region, we will work with the United Nations, and together we will ensure that North Korea faces real consequences if it continues down its current path.

Paula: Path, course, whatever.
Paul: They say the path to riches is beset by people ready to steal it.
Paula: Did you just make that up?
Paul: Did you like it?

Thank you for listening.

Paul: Believe me, dingbat, NO ONE is.
Paula: Did you say something?
Paul: Oh ha ha, very funny.
Paula: Tune in next week when Bush says:
Paul: *organ music* Where the hell is North Korea again, Dicky?
Paula: That's all for now. Enjoy your week.
Paul: Cowering in fear and paranoia...
Paula: This radio broadcast was performed live from the White House.
Paul: The producers of this broadcast take no responsibility for its content.
Paula: Just as Bush has taken no responsibility for juuust about everything...
Paul: Remember kids, have your parents spayed or neutered...
Paula: All rights are reserved right now. You should have booked ahead!
Paul: Copyright 2006. If we get to 2007 safely, we'll copyright again!

...TheScribes...

And the Ohio hypocrisy continues...

Pam Baragona of Dublin, Ohio is in an ad representing Senator Mike DeWine's re-election and giving her full support for him against challenger Sherrod Brown. She speaks the following drivel:

"My brother Rocky died while serving in Iraq. And it makes me sick that Sherrod Brown is not telling you the truth about Sen. DeWine. Sen. De-Wine was there for me and my family when we needed him most. And I’ve never met a man with more integrity or compassion than Mike DeWine. "Congressman Brown, we have a senator who cares about us and tells the truth. His name is Mike DeWine."

Now then, we wish to bring up something else dear Pam said and we quote for the record:

"I live in Columbus Ohio and my brother was killed in Iraq in 2003. He was a commander. In the last election I voted for Bush, but after what the personal effect the war has had on my family, it was my goal to see the president removed.

It was very large controversy to our family. Some were Republican, some were independent, some were Democrats. It divided our family and our lives. E-mails went back and forth all year. The night of the election I stayed up on the telephone with my father counting the counties whose results weren’t in yet. And those unbelievable lines that night of people waiting to vote and giving up and going home.

I stopped believing in the election process and our democracy after that entire year of mudslinging and hypocrisy on both sides. However I do still value the need to vote and the election changed my life. I feel like I let down my brother that night and I feel a need to be a part of the change to create a better system for electing our president. I don’t know how yet, but I know doing nothing will continue the cycle we currently are on." —Pam Baragona, Dublin, OH

Pam, while we deeply regret the loss of your brother, we think you might be harboring ill feelings to the wrong people. Senator DeWine has sided with our idiot-in-chief Dubya Bush 93% of the time. NINETY-THREE PERCENT. He was also in favor of the unjust and stupid war that cost your brother's life.

You seem to really dislike Bush, yet you're going to support a man who supports him??

Can we say "hypocrisy"?

Hell-ooooooo!

...TheScribes...

The President's Weakly Radio Address -- the MSTie Response

October 7, 2006

Good morning.

In recent days, we have seen shocking acts of violence in schools across our nation.

Paul: Remember in the old days when it was just the purple nurple, the wedgie, the swirly...
Paula: Shouldn't that be "in the past several years"?
Paul: Well, all humor aside, school violence has escalated, yes. Hey, we've had more school shootings under Bush as president than Clinton, did you know that? I bet no one knew that.

Laura and I are praying for the victims and their families,

Paula: Also praying that the Repukes hold the House.

and we extend our sympathies to them and to the communities that have been devastated by these attacks.

Paul: They must have mostly taken place in Republican districts.
Paula: If these had happened in Democratic or urban districts, he would have barely mentioned them.


I have asked Secretary of Education Spellings and Attorney General Gonzales to host a conference on school safety this Tuesday. We will bring together teachers, parents, students, administrators, law enforcement officials, and other experts to discuss the best ways to keep violence out of our schools.

Paul: And as we all know, whenever I hold a meeting with a lot of people, what I say goes.
Paula: Yep, I'm the decider.
Paul: Didn't we have this same scenario after Columbine? You'd think we'd have learned SOMETHING.
Paula: Gonzales will of course suggest wire-tapping all the schools now.


Our goal is clear: Children and teachers should never fear for their safety when they enter a classroom.

Paul: Unless there's a pop quiz and youuuu didn't studyyyyy.
Paula: That's NOT a safety factor. :-P
Paul: It is if your parents beat your hide for failing a test, like mine did.
Paula: Case made, let's move on.

As we work to keep our classrooms safe, we must also ensure that the children studying there get a good education.

Paula: Heeere we go, the No Child Left Behind Act.
Paul: Or as the Republicans are saying lately, the No Child's Behind Left!
Paula: Oh you just had to get a Foley crack in there somewhere, huh?
Paul: I snapped. Hee hee.

I believe every child can learn.

Paul: Because God knows *I* sure didn't.
Paula: This from the man that barely survived Yale - as a cheerleader!

So when I came to Washington, I worked with Republicans and Democrats to pass the No Child Left Behind Act,

Paul: Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
Paula: Told ya! What better way to combat school violence?
Paul: At least he mentioned Democrats.
Paula: Yeah, THAT could have been a mistake.

and I was proud to sign it into law.The theory behind this law is straightforward:

Paul: That we shall leave no child's behind --
Paula: Paul...

We expect every school in America to teach every student to read, write, add, and subtract.

Paul: But no division! Already got that covered!
Paula: Yeah, I've already divided this country quite nicely, thanks.
Paul: As you leave these hallowed halls to your job at McDonalds, remember that President Shrub made it possible...

We are measuring progress, and giving parents the information they need to hold their schools accountable.

Paula: Translation: We've just made it easier for massive lawsuits!
Paul: Accountable isn't a word in his language, I'm afraid.

Local schools remain under local control.

Paul: I'm not ready to call in the National Guard. Yet.
Paula: What?! You refuse to take your afternoon nap?! BLAM!

The federal government is asking for demonstrated results in exchange for the money we send from Washington.

Paula: And when we send that money, you'll be the first to know.
Paul: The check is in the mail, sweethearts!
Paula: Seriously, I'll bet not everyone knows that this NCLB Act has YET to be funded, nor have schools been given any added funds to provide for what Bush is asking for. How is it supposed to succeed?

Thanks to this good law, we are leaving behind the days when schools just shuffled children from grade to grade, whether they learned anything or not.

Paula: We still do, baby, don't kid yourself.
Paul: Still a LOT of stupid athletes out there.
Paula: If a child conceivably cannot learn, then what?
Paul: Bellvue?

Earlier this week, I visited the Department of Education, where I was briefed on our progress under the No Child Left Behind Act.

Paula: And I'll be fixing those test scores shortly.
Paul: Here's progress. Under this act, the armed forces can cold-call your child and co-erce them into military service. Without parental consent.
Paula: It's straight out of "Starship Troopers"!

The most recent national tests show encouraging results.

Paul: I'm personally reading at an eighth-grade level, and raring to get to "My Pet Billy Goat: The Sequel".

In reading, nine-year olds have made larger gains in the past five years than at any point in the previous 28 years.

Paula: So the 9-year-olds are doing better, that's nice.
Paul: Shouldn't we be talking about junior high and high schools, where it really counts?

In math, nine-year olds and 13-year olds earned the highest scores in the history of the test.

Paul: They know how to add and subtract.
Paula: Ever taken a math test for 9-year-olds or 13-year-olds? It's not really THAT hard.

In both reading and math, African-American and Hispanic students are scoring higher, and they are beginning to close the achievement gap with their white peers.

Paul: Yeah, let's stick in something about minorities. God knows, they need their votes this fall.
Paula: What does he mean by "beginning to close" anyway?
Paul: I can begin to close a door but it's not necessarily going to close?
Paula: Oooh, brilliant analogy.
Paul: I try.

The No Child Left Behind Act also gives parents more options.

Paul: Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines...
Paula: What a great place to start!

If your child's school consistently fails to show progress, you can get free intensive tutoring for your child, or transfer your child to a better public school.

Paul: Or receive a friendly call from your local recruitment office!
Paula: It is said that transferring a child to another school is one of the worst things you can do to them, on a list of child crises.
Paul: So is he saying we should blame the whole school? No wonder so many have shut down here in Ohio!

By shining a spotlight on schools that are not performing, and offering parents and children a way out, the No Child Left Behind Act is ushering in a new era of accountability and choice.

Paul: Accountability. Choice. Two words that have no meaning for me...
Paula: If a school is under-performing, and you draw attention to it, um, aren't you killing that school?

And this is putting America's children on the path to a better life.

Paula: Which will happen in their children's children's lifetime.
Paul: What does this have to do with school violence anyway?

The No Child Left Behind Act has brought good progress, yet we still have a lot of work to do.

Paula: First, we must fund this program.
Paul: Secondly, we must introduce this act to other than 9-year-olds and 13-year-olds.
Paula: Thirdly, do away with the program altogether and quit spending so much on new football stadiums. Adopt reading programs and after-school activities that nuture, not hinder.

So I will be talking more about education in the coming months,

Paul: God knows I have so little of it.
Paula: Hey, he graduated Harvard, Paul. Give him SOME credit.
Paul: Yeah, as a cheerleader, and a C-minus average. Hello? 92 I.Q.? Barely average?
Paula: Fiiiine.

especially as we discuss the reauthorization of this law next year.

Paula: If I'm not censured or impeached.
Paul: With the Democrats in charge? Yeah, I don't see that happening without a world of changes to the act.

I will focus on three areas where we can improve. First,

Paul: We must fund it!

we must improve teacher quality, so that every child has an excellent teacher.

Paula: We will fire all teachers that do not pass this excellence, adding to unemployment nation-wide.
Paul: Any teacher found taking initiative will be shot.
Paula: Finger-painting will not be acceptable!
Paul: Color inside the lines or die!!

Second, we must give more options to parents whose children are trapped in struggling schools.

Paula: Don't you think schools are struggling because the children are? This is like some mad Catch-22 scenario!
Paul: Yep, welcome to more Bushenomics.

And third, we need to bring the same high standards and accountability of the No Child Left Behind Act to our high schools, so that every high school graduate has the tools he or she needs to go to college and to get a good-paying job.

Paula: Would you like fries with that?
Paul: So college will be mandatory now? That'll make the farm-boys really happy.
Paula: Shouldn't this have been tested in high schools FIRST?
Paul: Nope, if you're worried about a bad apple, you get the apples off the tree, remember?
Paula: Are you going to quote "Untouchables" a lot?
Paul: No, just that one time.

When we set expectations high, America's children will rise to meet them.

Paul: Or they're grounded for a month.
Paula: Oh that's good, put MORE pressure on kids!
Paul: It's too much pressure! I'm gonna blow up the school! AHHHHH!!
Paula: Again, how does this help school violence?

And by helping our children succeed, we're creating a brighter future for them and for our Nation.

Paula: It'll be brighter once you're out of office, little man.
Paul: Boy, what a boring speech. I really thought he'd send his thoughts out to people in Jonesboro or Columbine or something.
Paula: Nope, it's just another "vote GOP" message, wrapped up in the guise of some worthless program.
Paul: I heard Mark Foley asked for an extension the other day. Nyuk'nyuk.
Paula: Did you know he did request an amendment to the terrorism bill?
Paul: What's that?
Paula: He wanted an amendment passed that would require little boys to be raped or tortured in order to get information about terrorism out of them.
Paul: Well, I can't say I'm shocked to hear that.
Paula: Goodbye folks, we're here all week.
Paul: Too bad Foley's not!
Paula: Again, this radio address was not live...
Paul: This speech was edited for political right-wing rhetoric.
Paula: All rights reserved right now. Come back another time.
Paul: Copyright 2006. Let's just get to 2007 in one piece, shall we?

The "Weak"ly President Radio Address

Before we begin, this is not supposed to be any sort of Democratic response. This is merely an MST3K version. Only those who loved the show (and miss it terribly) will understand what is happening here. Enjoy!

September 30, 2006 -- 38 days before D-Day. (Democratic Sweep Day)

Good morning. Today I want to talk to you about a matter of national security that has been in the news --
Paul: And why I'm ignoring it...
Paula: Shhh. Trying to listen here.

the National Intelligence Estimate on terrorism.

Paula: A.K.A. the documents that tell me I failed big-time.
Paul: My Achilles Heel, if you will...

The NIE is a classified document that analyzes the threat we face from terrorists and extremists.

Paul: I've never really sat down to read it, but...
Paula: Still trying to get through "My Pet Goat" really.
Paul: Are we still on yellow alert?
Paula: Yes.
Paul: What's that mean again?
Paula: For the life of me, I can't remember...

Parts of this classified document were recently leaked to the press.

Paula: And they are terrorists for doing that.
Paul: Ever notice he gets mad when secret things come out? Why is that?
Paula: Do you think Laura will ever say he's bad in bed?
Paul: Are you kidding? All the coke he's snorted? He's impotent by now, girl.
Paula: In more ways than one...

That has created a heated debate in our Nation's capital, and a lot of misimpressions about the document's conclusions.

Paul: I should know, I'm very good at misimpressions.
Paula: Do one for me right now.
Paul: Ok, I will NOT do an impression of Rich Little doing an impression of Nixon.
Paula: That was pretty good. But you should really have a ventriloquist's dummy of the Pres with Vice doing the talking and making his lips move.

I believe the American people should read the document themselves and come to their own conclusions--

Paul: That you're a f***ing liar?
Paula: Even *I* could have concluded THAT.
Paul: Right, he's going to simply HAND over a classified document like this to the public. Get real.

-- so I declassified its key judgments.

Paul: Translation: I edited that son-of-a-bitch like crazy.
Paula: And by 'key judgments', I mean the parts where I look good.
Paul: They're in there? Seriously?
Paula: Maybe towards the back. I doubt it, but maybe...
Paul: Oh yeah, here it is, page 197 of 198.

The National Intelligence Estimate confirms that we are up against a determined and capable enemy.

Paul: And who would that be?
Paula: Anyone who doesn't agree with him, stupid.
Paul: I believe we DO have a formidable enemy - and these fools only have made them worse and more determined. What s**t is this?

The NIE lists four underlying factors that are fueling the extremist movement: first,

Paul: That I'm a f**king liar.

long-standing grievances such as corruption, injustice, and a fear of Western domination;

Paula: Isn't that pretty much their goal?
Paul: Corruption, injustice, fear of Western domination. Yep, that works for me!
Paula: The neoconservative rules for living, by Dubya Bush.

second, the jihad in Iraq;

Paula: Yeah, THAT'S going well.
Paul: Never wants to admit his lack of foresight started it.
Paula: I hate to say this, but Saddam hated Al Quaeda and Bin Laden as much as we did.

third, the slow pace of reform in Muslim nations;

Paula: Which might go a little faster if we weren't raping and killing everyone. You spread democracy by example and economic stability, jobs and subtle diplomacy, not killing the people you want to convert

and fourth, pervasive anti-Americanism.

Paul: Anti-Bushism is more like it.
Paula: You know, if we weren't THERE it'd be harder to hate us.

It concludes that terrorists are exploiting all these factors to further their movement.

Paul: And I for one welcome this movement, for it keeps my butt in the White House and not impeached for my obstruction of justice, malfeasance in office and lies - only not under oath, since I don't do oaths.
Paula: And the Republican party in power. Who needs a Constitution when you have pedophiles on the payroll and leaders who turn a blind eye to perversion.

Some in Washington have selectively quoted from this document to make the case that by fighting the terrorists in Iraq, we are making our people less secure here at home.

Paul: Uh...aren't we?
Paula: Ever attack a bees' hive, Bush dear?


This argument buys into the enemy's propaganda that the terrorists attack us because we are provoking them.

Paul: Back up a sec here. What enemy's propoganda? CNN? ABC? CBS? NY TIMES? THOSE people?
Paula: He's referring to the terrorists.
Paul: Exactly my point. Anyone who disagrees with is sick, sick, sick agenda.

Here is what Prime Minister Tony Blair said this week about that argument:

Paul: Aye, I've sucked up to this idiot quite a lot when I'm not blottoed.
Paula: The Torries will have me for afternoon tea.
Paul: What you're hearing is a sound-bite of Tony Blair on a day he was sober.

"This terrorism isn't our fault. We didn't cause it. It's not the consequence of foreign policy."
Prime Minister Blair is right.

Paul: Aaaand the reciprocating ass kissing and sucking commences...
Paula: Blair is right. We didn't cause it, but we can certain that we escalated it. We gave them all the ammo they need to make sure that the repressed, the fanatical and the stupid have all they need to come after us with the hate in their hearts and minds. It's going to take a generation to undo what Bush and Blair have done.

We do not create terrorism by fighting terrorism. The terrorists are at war against us because they hate everything America stands for,

Paula: The raping, butt-pyramids, the mass killings of innocents, etc. etc.

and because they know we stand in the way of their ambitions to take over the Middle East.

Paul: Of course, we're not a very large obstacle right now...

We are fighting to stop them from taking over Iraq and turning that country into a safe haven that would be even more valuable than the one they lost in Afghanistan.

Paula: So why has the Taliban re-grouped and waged war, and caused Senator Frist to say, "Hey, let's let them have members in government!"?
Paul: They've lost nothing. We're the one who's lost.
Paula: We could have really done something noble and grand in Afghanistan, we could have made it into a model of peace, democracy, women's rights and human dignity, but NOOOOO, we had to divert all of our energies to an illegal, misbegotten preemptive war against Iraq. We were SOOO seduced by the oil and Bush's desire to go Bush-daddy one better.

Iraq is not the reason the terrorists are at war against us.

Paul: There's that trademarked, patented denial again.
Paula: He'll NEVER admit it. Not even on his death-bed.
Paul: On his tombstone, it'll read "I didn't do it!"

Our troops were not in Iraq when terrorists first attacked the World Trade Center in 1993,

Paula: Yeah, let's get Clinton back out there again.
Paul: Notice he can't give ANY speech now without World Trade Center in there. It's like a constant message he HAS to give.

or when terrorists blew up our embassies in Kenya and Tanzania, or when they bombed the USS Cole, or when they killed nearly 3,000 people on September the 11th, 2001.

Paul: Well, at least he didn't say "9/11". That's his calling card.
Paula: Still might, speech isn't over yet.

Five years after the 9/11 attacks,

Paul: Dammit!
Paula: I win, I win! Thank you, Chimp!
Paul: Just ONCE...

some people in Washington still do not understand the nature of the enemy.

Paul: Again, that "enemy" word.

The only way to protect our citizens at home is to go on the offense against the enemy across the world.

Paula: And bomb the living daylights out of innocent citizens in other countries.
Paul: Where's Osama again? Pakistan, our ally still have him?

When terrorists spend their days working to avoid capture, they are less able to plot, plan, and execute new attacks on our people. So we will remain on the offense until the terrorists are defeated and this fight is won.

Paul: That'll be AFTER I leave office, of course. I ain't cleanin' this mess up.
Paula: We CAN'T end terrorism. Who is he trying to kid?!
Paul: You realize he's ruined our country for decades?
Paula: And who are "our people"? Aren't WE "our people"? So, shouldn't we be fighting terrorists HERE?
Paul: I'd wager that's too logical for the Shrub to follow, hon.

In my recent speeches, I've said we are in the early hours of a long struggle for civilization, and that our safety depends on the outcome of the battle in Iraq.

Paul: If we are in THAT kind of fight, why not just send a million troops to the Middle East and finish it in a few days?
Paula: If OUR future lies with Iraq's, we are so doomed.
Paul: Woohoo! Civil War then!
Paula: Could we get back to the NIE please?

The National Intelligence Estimate

Paula: Therrre ya go.

declares "perceived jihadist success there would inspire more fighters to continue the struggle elsewhere."

Paula: I'm going to deny this, it's just not true.
Paul: Note to self: edit this part before giving to the public.

It also says that "Should jihadists leaving Iraq perceive themselves, and be perceived, to have failed, we judge fewer fighters will be inspired to carry on the fight."

Paula: Actually, the opposite rings true, Georgie boy. If an enemy is losing, it fights harder.
Paul: Does this guy remember Kamikazes in WW2?
Paula: No dear, he's much too busy trying to start WW3.
Paul: I'm sure he'll watch THIS one from the sidelines too, right?

Withdrawing from Iraq before the enemy is defeated would embolden the terrorists.

Paul: He LOVES that word. "Embolden". He's used it in countless speeches.
Paula: But staying in Iraq with no exit strategy is better, right?

It would help them find new recruits to carry out even more destructive attacks on our Nation,

Paul: Which I've conveniently foiled personally...
Paula: Yeah, name ONE threat to our country, by name, Shrub.

and it would give the terrorists a new sanctuary in the heart of the Middle East, with huge oil riches to fund their ambitions. America must not allow this to happen.

Paul: That oil belongs to us. We were there first, dammit.
Paula: Yeah, go find your own oil.

We are a Nation that keeps its commitments to those who long for liberty and want to live in peace.

Paula: By systematically destroying the liberties of others and killing more and more people overseas. Peace will happen sooner or later!

We will stand with the nearly 12 million Iraqis who voted for their freedom,

Paul: I mean, the 11 million 900 hundred thousand left alive...
Paula: Betcha most of them vote for Saddam now.

and we will help them fight and defeat the terrorists there,so we do not have to face them here at home.

Paula: IRAQ DIDN'T ATTACK US, YOU GOD-DAMNED-!
Paul: Paula! Chill, you'll overheat, dear!
Paula: Sorry, I lost my head...
Paul: It's okay, but no more speeches for you.
Paula: I'd still like to know who the real terrorists are. Us or them?
Paul: Well, he said once, "You're with us, or against us."
Paula: I am soooo against them.
Paul: Most of America is, sweetie. Count on it.

Thank you for listening.

Paula: This radio address is sponsored by Viagra. Just because Bush can't get it up anymore, doesn't mean you can't.
Paul: The proceeding speech was taped before a live studio audience...
Paula: Their mouths bound by duct tape...
Paul: When in sunny Washington D.C., visit the luscious Watergate Hotel!
Paula: All rights reserved, unless otherwise taken away.
Paul: Copyright 2006. Oh God, where is 2008 already?!

The Deleted Hastert Articles are Back

We were dismayed to learn that a couple of worthy articles showing Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert's pledges towards shielding children from internet predators had mysteriously vanished from the Speaker's webiste, as well as the House.

We decided it was in the best interest of our readers to resurrect them:
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Hastert Drives Effort To 'Keep Kids Safe In Cyberspace'

Congressman leads community meeting addressing Internet safety

ST. CHARLES – Congressman J. Dennis Hastert brought national experts together with community leaders and parents on Tuesday for a 14th District Community Meeting to share information and insights on protecting children from Online predators.

Held at St. Charles North High School, “Keeping Kids Safe in Cyberspace,” included representatives of local police agencies and a panel of national Internet and law enforcement experts highlighting efforts to make the Internet safer for children. A private question-and-answer session followed, where parents addressed specific concerns and situations with police and web providers.

“Recent news stories remind us that there are predators using the Internet to target children,” Hastert said. “And just as we warn our children about ‘stranger danger’ when they are at the park or answering the door or telephone, we need to be aware of potential dangers in Cyberspace.”

Recent arrests in the Chicago area and throughout the nation have highlighted the danger of Internet predators. According to a recent Justice Department study, one in seven children using the Internet has been sexually solicited and one in three has been exposed to unwanted sexual material. One in 11 children have been harassed.

Hastert highlighted efforts underway in Congress to protect children on the Internet, including recent House passage of the “Deleting Online Predators” Act, which requires schools and libraries to limit access to social networking and pornographic websites, and calls on the Federal Trade Commission to launch a tips and information website for parents. Panelists representing MySpace.com, Comcast, Microsoft, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and the Naperville Police Department Internet Crimes Unit also addressed their organizational efforts to promote safety.

Hastert hosted the session in collaboration with: City of St. Charles School District; Communities in Schools of Aurora; DeKalb County Regional Office of Education; East Aurora School District #131; Kane County Regional Office of Education; Kendall County Regional Office of Education; Lee/Ogle Regional Office of Education; U-46 School District and West Aurora School District #129.

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HASTERT TAPS NATIONAL EXPERTS TO 'KEEP KIDS SAFE IN CYBERSPACE'
Congressman brings together leaders to address Internet Safety

BATAVIA - Congressman J. Dennis Hastert on Tuesday announced that he will bring together a panel of national experts for an August 29 Community Meeting to provide tips and information for parents to protect their children on the Internet.

"Keeping Kids Safe in Cyberspace," is hosted in conjunction with area school districts and will feature representatives from government, law enforcement and the private sector addressing efforts underway nationally and locally to target online predators and improve online safety. Scheduled from 2-3:30 p.m. on August 29 at St. Charles North High School, the session is free and open to all interested parents.

"The Internet has forever changed the way we find information and communicate - and it has become a way of life for our kids," Hastert said in announcing the event. "But with these advances come new challenges, including how to stop predators. This event brings people together to share information, and talk about what we can all do to protect children."

Recent arrests in the Chicago area and throughout the nation have highlighted the danger of Internet predators. According to a recent Justice Department study, one in seven children using the Internet has been sexually solicited and one in three has been exposed to unwanted sexual material. One in 11 children have been harassed.

The August 29 Community Meeting will highlight steps taken by lawmakers, police, and Internet providers to identify predators and make the Internet safer for children. Specifically, the panel will include representatives of MySpace.com, Comcast, Microsoft, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, and the Naperville Police Department Internet Crimes Unit. Representatives of area police departments also will be on hand to share their insights.

Hastert is hosting the session in collaboration with: City of St. Charles School District; Communities in Schools of Aurora; DeKalb County Regional Office of Education; East Aurora School District #131; Kane County Regional Office of Education; Kendall County Regional Office of Education; Lee/Ogle Regional Office of Education; U-46 School District and West Aurora School District #129.


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We encourage posting these articles as evidence of Hastert's "efforts". We find it extremely unsettling that with these efforts, he decided to IGNORE the heinous acts of a possible pedophile under his very nose.

Power to the People.

...TheScribes...