The President's Weakly Radio Address -- the MSTie Response
October 7, 2006
Good morning.
In recent days, we have seen shocking acts of violence in schools across our nation.
Paul: Remember in the old days when it was just the purple nurple, the wedgie, the swirly...
Paula: Shouldn't that be "in the past several years"?
Paul: Well, all humor aside, school violence has escalated, yes. Hey, we've had more school shootings under Bush as president than Clinton, did you know that? I bet no one knew that.
Laura and I are praying for the victims and their families,
Paula: Also praying that the Repukes hold the House.
and we extend our sympathies to them and to the communities that have been devastated by these attacks.
Paul: They must have mostly taken place in Republican districts.
Paula: If these had happened in Democratic or urban districts, he would have barely mentioned them.
I have asked Secretary of Education Spellings and Attorney General Gonzales to host a conference on school safety this Tuesday. We will bring together teachers, parents, students, administrators, law enforcement officials, and other experts to discuss the best ways to keep violence out of our schools.
Paul: And as we all know, whenever I hold a meeting with a lot of people, what I say goes.
Paula: Yep, I'm the decider.
Paul: Didn't we have this same scenario after Columbine? You'd think we'd have learned SOMETHING.
Paula: Gonzales will of course suggest wire-tapping all the schools now.
Our goal is clear: Children and teachers should never fear for their safety when they enter a classroom.
Paul: Unless there's a pop quiz and youuuu didn't studyyyyy.
Paula: That's NOT a safety factor. :-P
Paul: It is if your parents beat your hide for failing a test, like mine did.
Paula: Case made, let's move on.
As we work to keep our classrooms safe, we must also ensure that the children studying there get a good education.
Paula: Heeere we go, the No Child Left Behind Act.
Paul: Or as the Republicans are saying lately, the No Child's Behind Left!
Paula: Oh you just had to get a Foley crack in there somewhere, huh?
Paul: I snapped. Hee hee.
I believe every child can learn.
Paul: Because God knows *I* sure didn't.
Paula: This from the man that barely survived Yale - as a cheerleader!
So when I came to Washington, I worked with Republicans and Democrats to pass the No Child Left Behind Act,
Paul: Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
Paula: Told ya! What better way to combat school violence?
Paul: At least he mentioned Democrats.
Paula: Yeah, THAT could have been a mistake.
and I was proud to sign it into law.The theory behind this law is straightforward:
Paul: That we shall leave no child's behind --
Paula: Paul...
We expect every school in America to teach every student to read, write, add, and subtract.
Paul: But no division! Already got that covered!
Paula: Yeah, I've already divided this country quite nicely, thanks.
Paul: As you leave these hallowed halls to your job at McDonalds, remember that President Shrub made it possible...
We are measuring progress, and giving parents the information they need to hold their schools accountable.
Paula: Translation: We've just made it easier for massive lawsuits!
Paul: Accountable isn't a word in his language, I'm afraid.
Local schools remain under local control.
Paul: I'm not ready to call in the National Guard. Yet.
Paula: What?! You refuse to take your afternoon nap?! BLAM!
The federal government is asking for demonstrated results in exchange for the money we send from Washington.
Paula: And when we send that money, you'll be the first to know.
Paul: The check is in the mail, sweethearts!
Paula: Seriously, I'll bet not everyone knows that this NCLB Act has YET to be funded, nor have schools been given any added funds to provide for what Bush is asking for. How is it supposed to succeed?
Thanks to this good law, we are leaving behind the days when schools just shuffled children from grade to grade, whether they learned anything or not.
Paula: We still do, baby, don't kid yourself.
Paul: Still a LOT of stupid athletes out there.
Paula: If a child conceivably cannot learn, then what?
Paul: Bellvue?
Earlier this week, I visited the Department of Education, where I was briefed on our progress under the No Child Left Behind Act.
Paula: And I'll be fixing those test scores shortly.
Paul: Here's progress. Under this act, the armed forces can cold-call your child and co-erce them into military service. Without parental consent.
Paula: It's straight out of "Starship Troopers"!
The most recent national tests show encouraging results.
Paul: I'm personally reading at an eighth-grade level, and raring to get to "My Pet Billy Goat: The Sequel".
In reading, nine-year olds have made larger gains in the past five years than at any point in the previous 28 years.
Paula: So the 9-year-olds are doing better, that's nice.
Paul: Shouldn't we be talking about junior high and high schools, where it really counts?
In math, nine-year olds and 13-year olds earned the highest scores in the history of the test.
Paul: They know how to add and subtract.
Paula: Ever taken a math test for 9-year-olds or 13-year-olds? It's not really THAT hard.
In both reading and math, African-American and Hispanic students are scoring higher, and they are beginning to close the achievement gap with their white peers.
Paul: Yeah, let's stick in something about minorities. God knows, they need their votes this fall.
Paula: What does he mean by "beginning to close" anyway?
Paul: I can begin to close a door but it's not necessarily going to close?
Paula: Oooh, brilliant analogy.
Paul: I try.
The No Child Left Behind Act also gives parents more options.
Paul: Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines...
Paula: What a great place to start!
If your child's school consistently fails to show progress, you can get free intensive tutoring for your child, or transfer your child to a better public school.
Paul: Or receive a friendly call from your local recruitment office!
Paula: It is said that transferring a child to another school is one of the worst things you can do to them, on a list of child crises.
Paul: So is he saying we should blame the whole school? No wonder so many have shut down here in Ohio!
By shining a spotlight on schools that are not performing, and offering parents and children a way out, the No Child Left Behind Act is ushering in a new era of accountability and choice.
Paul: Accountability. Choice. Two words that have no meaning for me...
Paula: If a school is under-performing, and you draw attention to it, um, aren't you killing that school?
And this is putting America's children on the path to a better life.
Paula: Which will happen in their children's children's lifetime.
Paul: What does this have to do with school violence anyway?
The No Child Left Behind Act has brought good progress, yet we still have a lot of work to do.
Paula: First, we must fund this program.
Paul: Secondly, we must introduce this act to other than 9-year-olds and 13-year-olds.
Paula: Thirdly, do away with the program altogether and quit spending so much on new football stadiums. Adopt reading programs and after-school activities that nuture, not hinder.
So I will be talking more about education in the coming months,
Paul: God knows I have so little of it.
Paula: Hey, he graduated Harvard, Paul. Give him SOME credit.
Paul: Yeah, as a cheerleader, and a C-minus average. Hello? 92 I.Q.? Barely average?
Paula: Fiiiine.
especially as we discuss the reauthorization of this law next year.
Paula: If I'm not censured or impeached.
Paul: With the Democrats in charge? Yeah, I don't see that happening without a world of changes to the act.
I will focus on three areas where we can improve. First,
Paul: We must fund it!
we must improve teacher quality, so that every child has an excellent teacher.
Paula: We will fire all teachers that do not pass this excellence, adding to unemployment nation-wide.
Paul: Any teacher found taking initiative will be shot.
Paula: Finger-painting will not be acceptable!
Paul: Color inside the lines or die!!
Second, we must give more options to parents whose children are trapped in struggling schools.
Paula: Don't you think schools are struggling because the children are? This is like some mad Catch-22 scenario!
Paul: Yep, welcome to more Bushenomics.
And third, we need to bring the same high standards and accountability of the No Child Left Behind Act to our high schools, so that every high school graduate has the tools he or she needs to go to college and to get a good-paying job.
Paula: Would you like fries with that?
Paul: So college will be mandatory now? That'll make the farm-boys really happy.
Paula: Shouldn't this have been tested in high schools FIRST?
Paul: Nope, if you're worried about a bad apple, you get the apples off the tree, remember?
Paula: Are you going to quote "Untouchables" a lot?
Paul: No, just that one time.
When we set expectations high, America's children will rise to meet them.
Paul: Or they're grounded for a month.
Paula: Oh that's good, put MORE pressure on kids!
Paul: It's too much pressure! I'm gonna blow up the school! AHHHHH!!
Paula: Again, how does this help school violence?
And by helping our children succeed, we're creating a brighter future for them and for our Nation.
Paula: It'll be brighter once you're out of office, little man.
Paul: Boy, what a boring speech. I really thought he'd send his thoughts out to people in Jonesboro or Columbine or something.
Paula: Nope, it's just another "vote GOP" message, wrapped up in the guise of some worthless program.
Paul: I heard Mark Foley asked for an extension the other day. Nyuk'nyuk.
Paula: Did you know he did request an amendment to the terrorism bill?
Paul: What's that?
Paula: He wanted an amendment passed that would require little boys to be raped or tortured in order to get information about terrorism out of them.
Paul: Well, I can't say I'm shocked to hear that.
Paula: Goodbye folks, we're here all week.
Paul: Too bad Foley's not!
Paula: Again, this radio address was not live...
Paul: This speech was edited for political right-wing rhetoric.
Paula: All rights reserved right now. Come back another time.
Paul: Copyright 2006. Let's just get to 2007 in one piece, shall we?
Good morning.
In recent days, we have seen shocking acts of violence in schools across our nation.
Paul: Remember in the old days when it was just the purple nurple, the wedgie, the swirly...
Paula: Shouldn't that be "in the past several years"?
Paul: Well, all humor aside, school violence has escalated, yes. Hey, we've had more school shootings under Bush as president than Clinton, did you know that? I bet no one knew that.
Laura and I are praying for the victims and their families,
Paula: Also praying that the Repukes hold the House.
and we extend our sympathies to them and to the communities that have been devastated by these attacks.
Paul: They must have mostly taken place in Republican districts.
Paula: If these had happened in Democratic or urban districts, he would have barely mentioned them.
I have asked Secretary of Education Spellings and Attorney General Gonzales to host a conference on school safety this Tuesday. We will bring together teachers, parents, students, administrators, law enforcement officials, and other experts to discuss the best ways to keep violence out of our schools.
Paul: And as we all know, whenever I hold a meeting with a lot of people, what I say goes.
Paula: Yep, I'm the decider.
Paul: Didn't we have this same scenario after Columbine? You'd think we'd have learned SOMETHING.
Paula: Gonzales will of course suggest wire-tapping all the schools now.
Our goal is clear: Children and teachers should never fear for their safety when they enter a classroom.
Paul: Unless there's a pop quiz and youuuu didn't studyyyyy.
Paula: That's NOT a safety factor. :-P
Paul: It is if your parents beat your hide for failing a test, like mine did.
Paula: Case made, let's move on.
As we work to keep our classrooms safe, we must also ensure that the children studying there get a good education.
Paula: Heeere we go, the No Child Left Behind Act.
Paul: Or as the Republicans are saying lately, the No Child's Behind Left!
Paula: Oh you just had to get a Foley crack in there somewhere, huh?
Paul: I snapped. Hee hee.
I believe every child can learn.
Paul: Because God knows *I* sure didn't.
Paula: This from the man that barely survived Yale - as a cheerleader!
So when I came to Washington, I worked with Republicans and Democrats to pass the No Child Left Behind Act,
Paul: Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
Paula: Told ya! What better way to combat school violence?
Paul: At least he mentioned Democrats.
Paula: Yeah, THAT could have been a mistake.
and I was proud to sign it into law.The theory behind this law is straightforward:
Paul: That we shall leave no child's behind --
Paula: Paul...
We expect every school in America to teach every student to read, write, add, and subtract.
Paul: But no division! Already got that covered!
Paula: Yeah, I've already divided this country quite nicely, thanks.
Paul: As you leave these hallowed halls to your job at McDonalds, remember that President Shrub made it possible...
We are measuring progress, and giving parents the information they need to hold their schools accountable.
Paula: Translation: We've just made it easier for massive lawsuits!
Paul: Accountable isn't a word in his language, I'm afraid.
Local schools remain under local control.
Paul: I'm not ready to call in the National Guard. Yet.
Paula: What?! You refuse to take your afternoon nap?! BLAM!
The federal government is asking for demonstrated results in exchange for the money we send from Washington.
Paula: And when we send that money, you'll be the first to know.
Paul: The check is in the mail, sweethearts!
Paula: Seriously, I'll bet not everyone knows that this NCLB Act has YET to be funded, nor have schools been given any added funds to provide for what Bush is asking for. How is it supposed to succeed?
Thanks to this good law, we are leaving behind the days when schools just shuffled children from grade to grade, whether they learned anything or not.
Paula: We still do, baby, don't kid yourself.
Paul: Still a LOT of stupid athletes out there.
Paula: If a child conceivably cannot learn, then what?
Paul: Bellvue?
Earlier this week, I visited the Department of Education, where I was briefed on our progress under the No Child Left Behind Act.
Paula: And I'll be fixing those test scores shortly.
Paul: Here's progress. Under this act, the armed forces can cold-call your child and co-erce them into military service. Without parental consent.
Paula: It's straight out of "Starship Troopers"!
The most recent national tests show encouraging results.
Paul: I'm personally reading at an eighth-grade level, and raring to get to "My Pet Billy Goat: The Sequel".
In reading, nine-year olds have made larger gains in the past five years than at any point in the previous 28 years.
Paula: So the 9-year-olds are doing better, that's nice.
Paul: Shouldn't we be talking about junior high and high schools, where it really counts?
In math, nine-year olds and 13-year olds earned the highest scores in the history of the test.
Paul: They know how to add and subtract.
Paula: Ever taken a math test for 9-year-olds or 13-year-olds? It's not really THAT hard.
In both reading and math, African-American and Hispanic students are scoring higher, and they are beginning to close the achievement gap with their white peers.
Paul: Yeah, let's stick in something about minorities. God knows, they need their votes this fall.
Paula: What does he mean by "beginning to close" anyway?
Paul: I can begin to close a door but it's not necessarily going to close?
Paula: Oooh, brilliant analogy.
Paul: I try.
The No Child Left Behind Act also gives parents more options.
Paul: Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines...
Paula: What a great place to start!
If your child's school consistently fails to show progress, you can get free intensive tutoring for your child, or transfer your child to a better public school.
Paul: Or receive a friendly call from your local recruitment office!
Paula: It is said that transferring a child to another school is one of the worst things you can do to them, on a list of child crises.
Paul: So is he saying we should blame the whole school? No wonder so many have shut down here in Ohio!
By shining a spotlight on schools that are not performing, and offering parents and children a way out, the No Child Left Behind Act is ushering in a new era of accountability and choice.
Paul: Accountability. Choice. Two words that have no meaning for me...
Paula: If a school is under-performing, and you draw attention to it, um, aren't you killing that school?
And this is putting America's children on the path to a better life.
Paula: Which will happen in their children's children's lifetime.
Paul: What does this have to do with school violence anyway?
The No Child Left Behind Act has brought good progress, yet we still have a lot of work to do.
Paula: First, we must fund this program.
Paul: Secondly, we must introduce this act to other than 9-year-olds and 13-year-olds.
Paula: Thirdly, do away with the program altogether and quit spending so much on new football stadiums. Adopt reading programs and after-school activities that nuture, not hinder.
So I will be talking more about education in the coming months,
Paul: God knows I have so little of it.
Paula: Hey, he graduated Harvard, Paul. Give him SOME credit.
Paul: Yeah, as a cheerleader, and a C-minus average. Hello? 92 I.Q.? Barely average?
Paula: Fiiiine.
especially as we discuss the reauthorization of this law next year.
Paula: If I'm not censured or impeached.
Paul: With the Democrats in charge? Yeah, I don't see that happening without a world of changes to the act.
I will focus on three areas where we can improve. First,
Paul: We must fund it!
we must improve teacher quality, so that every child has an excellent teacher.
Paula: We will fire all teachers that do not pass this excellence, adding to unemployment nation-wide.
Paul: Any teacher found taking initiative will be shot.
Paula: Finger-painting will not be acceptable!
Paul: Color inside the lines or die!!
Second, we must give more options to parents whose children are trapped in struggling schools.
Paula: Don't you think schools are struggling because the children are? This is like some mad Catch-22 scenario!
Paul: Yep, welcome to more Bushenomics.
And third, we need to bring the same high standards and accountability of the No Child Left Behind Act to our high schools, so that every high school graduate has the tools he or she needs to go to college and to get a good-paying job.
Paula: Would you like fries with that?
Paul: So college will be mandatory now? That'll make the farm-boys really happy.
Paula: Shouldn't this have been tested in high schools FIRST?
Paul: Nope, if you're worried about a bad apple, you get the apples off the tree, remember?
Paula: Are you going to quote "Untouchables" a lot?
Paul: No, just that one time.
When we set expectations high, America's children will rise to meet them.
Paul: Or they're grounded for a month.
Paula: Oh that's good, put MORE pressure on kids!
Paul: It's too much pressure! I'm gonna blow up the school! AHHHHH!!
Paula: Again, how does this help school violence?
And by helping our children succeed, we're creating a brighter future for them and for our Nation.
Paula: It'll be brighter once you're out of office, little man.
Paul: Boy, what a boring speech. I really thought he'd send his thoughts out to people in Jonesboro or Columbine or something.
Paula: Nope, it's just another "vote GOP" message, wrapped up in the guise of some worthless program.
Paul: I heard Mark Foley asked for an extension the other day. Nyuk'nyuk.
Paula: Did you know he did request an amendment to the terrorism bill?
Paul: What's that?
Paula: He wanted an amendment passed that would require little boys to be raped or tortured in order to get information about terrorism out of them.
Paul: Well, I can't say I'm shocked to hear that.
Paula: Goodbye folks, we're here all week.
Paul: Too bad Foley's not!
Paula: Again, this radio address was not live...
Paul: This speech was edited for political right-wing rhetoric.
Paula: All rights reserved right now. Come back another time.
Paul: Copyright 2006. Let's just get to 2007 in one piece, shall we?
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