The President's Weak Radio Address -- The MSTie Response
October 14, 2006:
Good morning.
Paul: Hello there!
Paula: Shhh. Trying to hear.
Earlier this week, the government of North Korea proclaimed to the world that it had conducted a successful nuclear weapons test.
Paul: And the microwaved popcorn was reportedly delicious...
Paula: Funny how they can't pinpoint exactly what happened yet. They know there was some kind of explosion, but hardly any radiation, and hardly a mark on the seismograph. What gives?! I'm confused!
Paul: Well, it's North Korea. It's not like we're told what goes on there.
Paula: Do you realize when that nation finally falls, we'll never KNOW about it?
In response to North Korea's provocative actions, America is working with our partners in the region and in the United Nations Security Council to ensure that there are serious repercussions for the North Korean regime.
Paul: Spankings for everyone!
Paula: Playing right into Bush's hands. Not smart.
Paul: Fair enough. Since we unjustly invaded a country against the wishes of the UNSC, shouldn't there be serious repercussions for us?
Paula: Believe me, Paul, we're paying for it every day...
North Korea has been pursuing nuclear weapons and defying its international commitments for years.
Paul: I, of course, have been ignoring it for quite some time.
Paula: If North Korea had oil...
In 1993, North Korea announced that it was withdrawing from the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.
Paul: It's Clinton's fault!!!
Paula: Quit acting like a neocon clod.
Paul: Sorry, lost my head.
The United States negotiated with North Korea and reached a bilateral agreement in 1994:
Paul: I'm going by reports now. After all my years of cocaine and alcohol abuse, it's dang hard to remember.
Paula: 1994 to me is just a blur, really.
Paul: Barbara probably filled a lot of it in on the fly.
Paula: I ask Daddy every so often to clarify what I did in 1994...
Paul: Apparently Daddy didn't do enough...
North Korea committed to giving up its pursuit of nuclear weapons in exchange for help with peaceful nuclear power.
Paul: So what's the problem?
Paula: What's going on now, silly.
After I came to office, we discovered that North Korea had been violating this agreement for some time by continuing work on a covert nuclear weapons program.
Paula: And had I not disposed of all of the previous administrations reports and documentation, I would have known it a lot sooner.
Paul: They couldn't discover gold in a teaspoon of water.
Paula: Still seems to be pointing the finger at Clinton to me.
My administration confronted the North Korea regime with this evidence in 2002,
Paula: Which should have been 2001.
Paul: Well, 9/11 probably held a lot of things back.
Paula: You said "9/11".
Paul: Ugh.
and the North Koreans subsequently walked away from the 1994 agreement.
Paula: Because I was being a real bitch about it and wasn't willing to compromise.
Paul: And Donny Bumsfeld made the crack that they had the military strength to attack North Korea.
Paula: No wonder they left it. They didn't trust us.
Paul: They're just as paranoid as we are.
So my Administration decided to take a new approach.
Paul: Physical threats.
Paula: War games in South Korea.
Paul: Let's try LYING. That always works.
We brought together other nations in the region in an effort to resolve the situation through multilateral diplomacy.
Paula: Unlike Iraq, where we felt the best action was to invade and kill everyone.
Paul: Yes, thousands of people die when we become diplomatic, ever notice that?
Paula: And you're dealing with the insanity of a leader who craves power above all else.
Paul: Are you talking about Kim or Bush?
Paula: It's your call.
The logic behind this approach is clear:
Paul: Oh, NOW he believes in logic.
Paula: Doesn't he hate science and math?
Paul: Hey, he's just thrilled that 9-year-olds can add and subtract.
North Korea's neighbors have the most at stake, and they are North Korea's principal sources of food, energy, and trade, so it makes sense to enlist them in the effort to get the North Korean regime to end its nuclear program.
Paul: Eh?
Paula: Um, yeah I kinda got lost there too.
Paul: Trying to pound the name into our heads, I see.
Paula: Yeah, say it enough times and...
Paul: You've got your audience believing it.
Paula: Try pronouns, Shrub.
Paul: *singing* Cuz sayin' all those words over and over can really wear you dowwwwn.
This diplomatic effort was called the Six-Party Talks, and
Paul: I was really upset that there were NO parties at all.
Paula: Had to drink all by myself in a corner.
Paul: Counting the bugs on the walls...
these talks included North and South Korea, China, Japan, Russia and the United States.
Paula: Yep, that's 6! Wow, China still likes us?
Paul: I think England still likes us too.
Paula: I think they TOLERATE us, dear.
Paul: Hmm, moving on...
In September of last year, these diplomatic efforts resulted in a wide-ranging Joint Statement that offered a resolution to the problem and a better life for the North Korean people.
Paul: Do what we say or we blow you up.
Paula: All your base belong to us!
Paul: Vee haf vays uf makeeng...
Paula: Hey, he said "joint"!
Paul: I knew it! He's on pot!
In this Joint Statement, North Korea committed to abandoning all nuclear weapons and existing nuclear programs.
Paul: And as you can tell, I really screwed THAT up.
Paula: Have you noticed so far he's talked entirely of past events? Live for the moment, man!
Paul: Wait, does this include microwaves? Kim will never go for that.
North Korea was offered the prospect of normalized relations with Japan and the United States,
Paul: Selling them anime, hentai and manga porn!
Paula: PIKACHU! I choose YOU!
as well as economic cooperation in energy, trade, and investment. And the United States affirmed that we have no nuclear weapons on the Korean Peninsula and no intention to attack or invade North Korea.
Paul: Bumsfeld on the other hand...
Paula: I don't think we had any intention of invading Iraq either, but well, well, well.
Paul: It's important to understand that we did not have nuclear weapons pointed at North Korea, but we DID antagonize them by holding war-game maneuvers right in their friggin' backyard!
Unfortunately, North Korea failed to act on its commitment.
Paul: Just as we did.
Paula: When it comes to Bush, failure is always an option.
And with its actions this week, the North Korean regime has once again broken its word,
Paula: And I've just been so gullible...
Paul: I have asked you nicely not to pursue nuclear weapons. You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again!
provoked an international crisis, and denied its people the opportunity for a better life.
Paul: Well maybe if we quit sanctioning them?
We are working for a resolution to this crisis.
Paul: We're doomed.
Paula: We have more than adequate troops available to invade North Korea. Bumsfeld said so.
Paul: Working on a resolution to save my sorry ass in 2007.
Nations around the world, including our partners in the Six-Party Talks,
Paul: Just how many countries still like us anyway?
Paula: Maybe a third of the 6 parties.
Paul: What about the U.N.?
Paula: Oh, hell no.
agree on the need for a strong United Nations Security Council resolution that will require North Korea to dismantle its nuclear programs.
Paula: While laughing uproariously behind my back...
Paul: I don't think they HAVE nuclear weapons. Aren't we just going to look like idiots again, like we were in Iraq?
This resolution should also specify measures to prevent North Korea from importing or exporting nuclear or missile technologies.
Paul: Well, THAT I agree with.
Paula: Wow, red-letter day. You side with Bush on something.
Paul: I'm so ashamed.
Paula: Terrorist.
And it should prevent financial transactions or asset transfers that would help North Korea develop its nuclear or missile capabilities.
Paul: Want to broker a nuclear weapons deal?
Paula: Bite your tongue.
By passing such a resolution, we will send a clear message to the North Korean regime that its actions will not be tolerated.
Paul: And by clear message, I mean I'll pretty much muck it up and make Kim think we're going to attack.
Paula: Whee, October surprise!
Paul: He couldn't send a clear message to Laura.
And we will give the nations with the closest ties to North Korea -- China and South Korea -- a framework to use their leverage to pressure Pyongyang and persuade its regime to change course.
Paul: CHANGE course! What a novel idea! Could we try that in Iraq, you idiot?
Paula: He loves that word, course.
As we pursue a diplomatic solution, we are also reassuring our allies in the region that America remains committed to their security.
Paul: As long as they don't have a HURRICANE!
Paula: Oooh, low blow.
We have strong defense alliances with Japan and South Korea, and the United States will meet these commitments.
Paul: DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!
Paula: Excuse me one moment whilst I don my cheerleading outfit...
Paul: Sometimes the best offense is a good defense.
Paula: I don't think that works in a nuclear war, hon.
And in response to North Korea's provocation, we will seek to increase our defense cooperation with our allies, including cooperation on ballistic missile defense to protect against North Korean aggression, and cooperation to prevent North Korea from importing or exporting nuclear or missile technologies.
Paul: Didn't he JUST say this?
Paula: Didn't YOU just say that?
Paul: Oh.
Our goals remain clear: peace and security in Northeast Asia, and a nuclear-free Korean Peninsula.
Paul: Iraq is in Northeast Asia now, I didn't know that.
Paula: It must have moved in the last bombing.
Paul: Our goal remains uncertain, but we assure all Americans the goal will continue to change and we'll make it up as we go along...
We will do what is necessary to achieve these goals.
Paul: Great, even invading another country...
Paula: Paul, think. What goal has Bush accomplished so far?
Paul: Ooh, good point.
We will support our allies in the region, we will work with the United Nations, and together we will ensure that North Korea faces real consequences if it continues down its current path.
Paula: Path, course, whatever.
Paul: They say the path to riches is beset by people ready to steal it.
Paula: Did you just make that up?
Paul: Did you like it?
Thank you for listening.
Paul: Believe me, dingbat, NO ONE is.
Paula: Did you say something?
Paul: Oh ha ha, very funny.
Paula: Tune in next week when Bush says:
Paul: *organ music* Where the hell is North Korea again, Dicky?
Paula: That's all for now. Enjoy your week.
Paul: Cowering in fear and paranoia...
Paula: This radio broadcast was performed live from the White House.
Paul: The producers of this broadcast take no responsibility for its content.
Paula: Just as Bush has taken no responsibility for juuust about everything...
Paul: Remember kids, have your parents spayed or neutered...
Paula: All rights are reserved right now. You should have booked ahead!
Paul: Copyright 2006. If we get to 2007 safely, we'll copyright again!
...TheScribes...
Good morning.
Paul: Hello there!
Paula: Shhh. Trying to hear.
Earlier this week, the government of North Korea proclaimed to the world that it had conducted a successful nuclear weapons test.
Paul: And the microwaved popcorn was reportedly delicious...
Paula: Funny how they can't pinpoint exactly what happened yet. They know there was some kind of explosion, but hardly any radiation, and hardly a mark on the seismograph. What gives?! I'm confused!
Paul: Well, it's North Korea. It's not like we're told what goes on there.
Paula: Do you realize when that nation finally falls, we'll never KNOW about it?
In response to North Korea's provocative actions, America is working with our partners in the region and in the United Nations Security Council to ensure that there are serious repercussions for the North Korean regime.
Paul: Spankings for everyone!
Paula: Playing right into Bush's hands. Not smart.
Paul: Fair enough. Since we unjustly invaded a country against the wishes of the UNSC, shouldn't there be serious repercussions for us?
Paula: Believe me, Paul, we're paying for it every day...
North Korea has been pursuing nuclear weapons and defying its international commitments for years.
Paul: I, of course, have been ignoring it for quite some time.
Paula: If North Korea had oil...
In 1993, North Korea announced that it was withdrawing from the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.
Paul: It's Clinton's fault!!!
Paula: Quit acting like a neocon clod.
Paul: Sorry, lost my head.
The United States negotiated with North Korea and reached a bilateral agreement in 1994:
Paul: I'm going by reports now. After all my years of cocaine and alcohol abuse, it's dang hard to remember.
Paula: 1994 to me is just a blur, really.
Paul: Barbara probably filled a lot of it in on the fly.
Paula: I ask Daddy every so often to clarify what I did in 1994...
Paul: Apparently Daddy didn't do enough...
North Korea committed to giving up its pursuit of nuclear weapons in exchange for help with peaceful nuclear power.
Paul: So what's the problem?
Paula: What's going on now, silly.
After I came to office, we discovered that North Korea had been violating this agreement for some time by continuing work on a covert nuclear weapons program.
Paula: And had I not disposed of all of the previous administrations reports and documentation, I would have known it a lot sooner.
Paul: They couldn't discover gold in a teaspoon of water.
Paula: Still seems to be pointing the finger at Clinton to me.
My administration confronted the North Korea regime with this evidence in 2002,
Paula: Which should have been 2001.
Paul: Well, 9/11 probably held a lot of things back.
Paula: You said "9/11".
Paul: Ugh.
and the North Koreans subsequently walked away from the 1994 agreement.
Paula: Because I was being a real bitch about it and wasn't willing to compromise.
Paul: And Donny Bumsfeld made the crack that they had the military strength to attack North Korea.
Paula: No wonder they left it. They didn't trust us.
Paul: They're just as paranoid as we are.
So my Administration decided to take a new approach.
Paul: Physical threats.
Paula: War games in South Korea.
Paul: Let's try LYING. That always works.
We brought together other nations in the region in an effort to resolve the situation through multilateral diplomacy.
Paula: Unlike Iraq, where we felt the best action was to invade and kill everyone.
Paul: Yes, thousands of people die when we become diplomatic, ever notice that?
Paula: And you're dealing with the insanity of a leader who craves power above all else.
Paul: Are you talking about Kim or Bush?
Paula: It's your call.
The logic behind this approach is clear:
Paul: Oh, NOW he believes in logic.
Paula: Doesn't he hate science and math?
Paul: Hey, he's just thrilled that 9-year-olds can add and subtract.
North Korea's neighbors have the most at stake, and they are North Korea's principal sources of food, energy, and trade, so it makes sense to enlist them in the effort to get the North Korean regime to end its nuclear program.
Paul: Eh?
Paula: Um, yeah I kinda got lost there too.
Paul: Trying to pound the name into our heads, I see.
Paula: Yeah, say it enough times and...
Paul: You've got your audience believing it.
Paula: Try pronouns, Shrub.
Paul: *singing* Cuz sayin' all those words over and over can really wear you dowwwwn.
This diplomatic effort was called the Six-Party Talks, and
Paul: I was really upset that there were NO parties at all.
Paula: Had to drink all by myself in a corner.
Paul: Counting the bugs on the walls...
these talks included North and South Korea, China, Japan, Russia and the United States.
Paula: Yep, that's 6! Wow, China still likes us?
Paul: I think England still likes us too.
Paula: I think they TOLERATE us, dear.
Paul: Hmm, moving on...
In September of last year, these diplomatic efforts resulted in a wide-ranging Joint Statement that offered a resolution to the problem and a better life for the North Korean people.
Paul: Do what we say or we blow you up.
Paula: All your base belong to us!
Paul: Vee haf vays uf makeeng...
Paula: Hey, he said "joint"!
Paul: I knew it! He's on pot!
In this Joint Statement, North Korea committed to abandoning all nuclear weapons and existing nuclear programs.
Paul: And as you can tell, I really screwed THAT up.
Paula: Have you noticed so far he's talked entirely of past events? Live for the moment, man!
Paul: Wait, does this include microwaves? Kim will never go for that.
North Korea was offered the prospect of normalized relations with Japan and the United States,
Paul: Selling them anime, hentai and manga porn!
Paula: PIKACHU! I choose YOU!
as well as economic cooperation in energy, trade, and investment. And the United States affirmed that we have no nuclear weapons on the Korean Peninsula and no intention to attack or invade North Korea.
Paul: Bumsfeld on the other hand...
Paula: I don't think we had any intention of invading Iraq either, but well, well, well.
Paul: It's important to understand that we did not have nuclear weapons pointed at North Korea, but we DID antagonize them by holding war-game maneuvers right in their friggin' backyard!
Unfortunately, North Korea failed to act on its commitment.
Paul: Just as we did.
Paula: When it comes to Bush, failure is always an option.
And with its actions this week, the North Korean regime has once again broken its word,
Paula: And I've just been so gullible...
Paul: I have asked you nicely not to pursue nuclear weapons. You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again!
provoked an international crisis, and denied its people the opportunity for a better life.
Paul: Well maybe if we quit sanctioning them?
We are working for a resolution to this crisis.
Paul: We're doomed.
Paula: We have more than adequate troops available to invade North Korea. Bumsfeld said so.
Paul: Working on a resolution to save my sorry ass in 2007.
Nations around the world, including our partners in the Six-Party Talks,
Paul: Just how many countries still like us anyway?
Paula: Maybe a third of the 6 parties.
Paul: What about the U.N.?
Paula: Oh, hell no.
agree on the need for a strong United Nations Security Council resolution that will require North Korea to dismantle its nuclear programs.
Paula: While laughing uproariously behind my back...
Paul: I don't think they HAVE nuclear weapons. Aren't we just going to look like idiots again, like we were in Iraq?
This resolution should also specify measures to prevent North Korea from importing or exporting nuclear or missile technologies.
Paul: Well, THAT I agree with.
Paula: Wow, red-letter day. You side with Bush on something.
Paul: I'm so ashamed.
Paula: Terrorist.
And it should prevent financial transactions or asset transfers that would help North Korea develop its nuclear or missile capabilities.
Paul: Want to broker a nuclear weapons deal?
Paula: Bite your tongue.
By passing such a resolution, we will send a clear message to the North Korean regime that its actions will not be tolerated.
Paul: And by clear message, I mean I'll pretty much muck it up and make Kim think we're going to attack.
Paula: Whee, October surprise!
Paul: He couldn't send a clear message to Laura.
And we will give the nations with the closest ties to North Korea -- China and South Korea -- a framework to use their leverage to pressure Pyongyang and persuade its regime to change course.
Paul: CHANGE course! What a novel idea! Could we try that in Iraq, you idiot?
Paula: He loves that word, course.
As we pursue a diplomatic solution, we are also reassuring our allies in the region that America remains committed to their security.
Paul: As long as they don't have a HURRICANE!
Paula: Oooh, low blow.
We have strong defense alliances with Japan and South Korea, and the United States will meet these commitments.
Paul: DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!
Paula: Excuse me one moment whilst I don my cheerleading outfit...
Paul: Sometimes the best offense is a good defense.
Paula: I don't think that works in a nuclear war, hon.
And in response to North Korea's provocation, we will seek to increase our defense cooperation with our allies, including cooperation on ballistic missile defense to protect against North Korean aggression, and cooperation to prevent North Korea from importing or exporting nuclear or missile technologies.
Paul: Didn't he JUST say this?
Paula: Didn't YOU just say that?
Paul: Oh.
Our goals remain clear: peace and security in Northeast Asia, and a nuclear-free Korean Peninsula.
Paul: Iraq is in Northeast Asia now, I didn't know that.
Paula: It must have moved in the last bombing.
Paul: Our goal remains uncertain, but we assure all Americans the goal will continue to change and we'll make it up as we go along...
We will do what is necessary to achieve these goals.
Paul: Great, even invading another country...
Paula: Paul, think. What goal has Bush accomplished so far?
Paul: Ooh, good point.
We will support our allies in the region, we will work with the United Nations, and together we will ensure that North Korea faces real consequences if it continues down its current path.
Paula: Path, course, whatever.
Paul: They say the path to riches is beset by people ready to steal it.
Paula: Did you just make that up?
Paul: Did you like it?
Thank you for listening.
Paul: Believe me, dingbat, NO ONE is.
Paula: Did you say something?
Paul: Oh ha ha, very funny.
Paula: Tune in next week when Bush says:
Paul: *organ music* Where the hell is North Korea again, Dicky?
Paula: That's all for now. Enjoy your week.
Paul: Cowering in fear and paranoia...
Paula: This radio broadcast was performed live from the White House.
Paul: The producers of this broadcast take no responsibility for its content.
Paula: Just as Bush has taken no responsibility for juuust about everything...
Paul: Remember kids, have your parents spayed or neutered...
Paula: All rights are reserved right now. You should have booked ahead!
Paul: Copyright 2006. If we get to 2007 safely, we'll copyright again!
...TheScribes...
posted by ScribesUnlimited | 7:52 PM
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