The "Weak"ly President Radio Address

Before we begin, this is not supposed to be any sort of Democratic response. This is merely an MST3K version. Only those who loved the show (and miss it terribly) will understand what is happening here. Enjoy!

September 30, 2006 -- 38 days before D-Day. (Democratic Sweep Day)

Good morning. Today I want to talk to you about a matter of national security that has been in the news --
Paul: And why I'm ignoring it...
Paula: Shhh. Trying to listen here.

the National Intelligence Estimate on terrorism.

Paula: A.K.A. the documents that tell me I failed big-time.
Paul: My Achilles Heel, if you will...

The NIE is a classified document that analyzes the threat we face from terrorists and extremists.

Paul: I've never really sat down to read it, but...
Paula: Still trying to get through "My Pet Goat" really.
Paul: Are we still on yellow alert?
Paula: Yes.
Paul: What's that mean again?
Paula: For the life of me, I can't remember...

Parts of this classified document were recently leaked to the press.

Paula: And they are terrorists for doing that.
Paul: Ever notice he gets mad when secret things come out? Why is that?
Paula: Do you think Laura will ever say he's bad in bed?
Paul: Are you kidding? All the coke he's snorted? He's impotent by now, girl.
Paula: In more ways than one...

That has created a heated debate in our Nation's capital, and a lot of misimpressions about the document's conclusions.

Paul: I should know, I'm very good at misimpressions.
Paula: Do one for me right now.
Paul: Ok, I will NOT do an impression of Rich Little doing an impression of Nixon.
Paula: That was pretty good. But you should really have a ventriloquist's dummy of the Pres with Vice doing the talking and making his lips move.

I believe the American people should read the document themselves and come to their own conclusions--

Paul: That you're a f***ing liar?
Paula: Even *I* could have concluded THAT.
Paul: Right, he's going to simply HAND over a classified document like this to the public. Get real.

-- so I declassified its key judgments.

Paul: Translation: I edited that son-of-a-bitch like crazy.
Paula: And by 'key judgments', I mean the parts where I look good.
Paul: They're in there? Seriously?
Paula: Maybe towards the back. I doubt it, but maybe...
Paul: Oh yeah, here it is, page 197 of 198.

The National Intelligence Estimate confirms that we are up against a determined and capable enemy.

Paul: And who would that be?
Paula: Anyone who doesn't agree with him, stupid.
Paul: I believe we DO have a formidable enemy - and these fools only have made them worse and more determined. What s**t is this?

The NIE lists four underlying factors that are fueling the extremist movement: first,

Paul: That I'm a f**king liar.

long-standing grievances such as corruption, injustice, and a fear of Western domination;

Paula: Isn't that pretty much their goal?
Paul: Corruption, injustice, fear of Western domination. Yep, that works for me!
Paula: The neoconservative rules for living, by Dubya Bush.

second, the jihad in Iraq;

Paula: Yeah, THAT'S going well.
Paul: Never wants to admit his lack of foresight started it.
Paula: I hate to say this, but Saddam hated Al Quaeda and Bin Laden as much as we did.

third, the slow pace of reform in Muslim nations;

Paula: Which might go a little faster if we weren't raping and killing everyone. You spread democracy by example and economic stability, jobs and subtle diplomacy, not killing the people you want to convert

and fourth, pervasive anti-Americanism.

Paul: Anti-Bushism is more like it.
Paula: You know, if we weren't THERE it'd be harder to hate us.

It concludes that terrorists are exploiting all these factors to further their movement.

Paul: And I for one welcome this movement, for it keeps my butt in the White House and not impeached for my obstruction of justice, malfeasance in office and lies - only not under oath, since I don't do oaths.
Paula: And the Republican party in power. Who needs a Constitution when you have pedophiles on the payroll and leaders who turn a blind eye to perversion.

Some in Washington have selectively quoted from this document to make the case that by fighting the terrorists in Iraq, we are making our people less secure here at home.

Paul: Uh...aren't we?
Paula: Ever attack a bees' hive, Bush dear?


This argument buys into the enemy's propaganda that the terrorists attack us because we are provoking them.

Paul: Back up a sec here. What enemy's propoganda? CNN? ABC? CBS? NY TIMES? THOSE people?
Paula: He's referring to the terrorists.
Paul: Exactly my point. Anyone who disagrees with is sick, sick, sick agenda.

Here is what Prime Minister Tony Blair said this week about that argument:

Paul: Aye, I've sucked up to this idiot quite a lot when I'm not blottoed.
Paula: The Torries will have me for afternoon tea.
Paul: What you're hearing is a sound-bite of Tony Blair on a day he was sober.

"This terrorism isn't our fault. We didn't cause it. It's not the consequence of foreign policy."
Prime Minister Blair is right.

Paul: Aaaand the reciprocating ass kissing and sucking commences...
Paula: Blair is right. We didn't cause it, but we can certain that we escalated it. We gave them all the ammo they need to make sure that the repressed, the fanatical and the stupid have all they need to come after us with the hate in their hearts and minds. It's going to take a generation to undo what Bush and Blair have done.

We do not create terrorism by fighting terrorism. The terrorists are at war against us because they hate everything America stands for,

Paula: The raping, butt-pyramids, the mass killings of innocents, etc. etc.

and because they know we stand in the way of their ambitions to take over the Middle East.

Paul: Of course, we're not a very large obstacle right now...

We are fighting to stop them from taking over Iraq and turning that country into a safe haven that would be even more valuable than the one they lost in Afghanistan.

Paula: So why has the Taliban re-grouped and waged war, and caused Senator Frist to say, "Hey, let's let them have members in government!"?
Paul: They've lost nothing. We're the one who's lost.
Paula: We could have really done something noble and grand in Afghanistan, we could have made it into a model of peace, democracy, women's rights and human dignity, but NOOOOO, we had to divert all of our energies to an illegal, misbegotten preemptive war against Iraq. We were SOOO seduced by the oil and Bush's desire to go Bush-daddy one better.

Iraq is not the reason the terrorists are at war against us.

Paul: There's that trademarked, patented denial again.
Paula: He'll NEVER admit it. Not even on his death-bed.
Paul: On his tombstone, it'll read "I didn't do it!"

Our troops were not in Iraq when terrorists first attacked the World Trade Center in 1993,

Paula: Yeah, let's get Clinton back out there again.
Paul: Notice he can't give ANY speech now without World Trade Center in there. It's like a constant message he HAS to give.

or when terrorists blew up our embassies in Kenya and Tanzania, or when they bombed the USS Cole, or when they killed nearly 3,000 people on September the 11th, 2001.

Paul: Well, at least he didn't say "9/11". That's his calling card.
Paula: Still might, speech isn't over yet.

Five years after the 9/11 attacks,

Paul: Dammit!
Paula: I win, I win! Thank you, Chimp!
Paul: Just ONCE...

some people in Washington still do not understand the nature of the enemy.

Paul: Again, that "enemy" word.

The only way to protect our citizens at home is to go on the offense against the enemy across the world.

Paula: And bomb the living daylights out of innocent citizens in other countries.
Paul: Where's Osama again? Pakistan, our ally still have him?

When terrorists spend their days working to avoid capture, they are less able to plot, plan, and execute new attacks on our people. So we will remain on the offense until the terrorists are defeated and this fight is won.

Paul: That'll be AFTER I leave office, of course. I ain't cleanin' this mess up.
Paula: We CAN'T end terrorism. Who is he trying to kid?!
Paul: You realize he's ruined our country for decades?
Paula: And who are "our people"? Aren't WE "our people"? So, shouldn't we be fighting terrorists HERE?
Paul: I'd wager that's too logical for the Shrub to follow, hon.

In my recent speeches, I've said we are in the early hours of a long struggle for civilization, and that our safety depends on the outcome of the battle in Iraq.

Paul: If we are in THAT kind of fight, why not just send a million troops to the Middle East and finish it in a few days?
Paula: If OUR future lies with Iraq's, we are so doomed.
Paul: Woohoo! Civil War then!
Paula: Could we get back to the NIE please?

The National Intelligence Estimate

Paula: Therrre ya go.

declares "perceived jihadist success there would inspire more fighters to continue the struggle elsewhere."

Paula: I'm going to deny this, it's just not true.
Paul: Note to self: edit this part before giving to the public.

It also says that "Should jihadists leaving Iraq perceive themselves, and be perceived, to have failed, we judge fewer fighters will be inspired to carry on the fight."

Paula: Actually, the opposite rings true, Georgie boy. If an enemy is losing, it fights harder.
Paul: Does this guy remember Kamikazes in WW2?
Paula: No dear, he's much too busy trying to start WW3.
Paul: I'm sure he'll watch THIS one from the sidelines too, right?

Withdrawing from Iraq before the enemy is defeated would embolden the terrorists.

Paul: He LOVES that word. "Embolden". He's used it in countless speeches.
Paula: But staying in Iraq with no exit strategy is better, right?

It would help them find new recruits to carry out even more destructive attacks on our Nation,

Paul: Which I've conveniently foiled personally...
Paula: Yeah, name ONE threat to our country, by name, Shrub.

and it would give the terrorists a new sanctuary in the heart of the Middle East, with huge oil riches to fund their ambitions. America must not allow this to happen.

Paul: That oil belongs to us. We were there first, dammit.
Paula: Yeah, go find your own oil.

We are a Nation that keeps its commitments to those who long for liberty and want to live in peace.

Paula: By systematically destroying the liberties of others and killing more and more people overseas. Peace will happen sooner or later!

We will stand with the nearly 12 million Iraqis who voted for their freedom,

Paul: I mean, the 11 million 900 hundred thousand left alive...
Paula: Betcha most of them vote for Saddam now.

and we will help them fight and defeat the terrorists there,so we do not have to face them here at home.

Paula: IRAQ DIDN'T ATTACK US, YOU GOD-DAMNED-!
Paul: Paula! Chill, you'll overheat, dear!
Paula: Sorry, I lost my head...
Paul: It's okay, but no more speeches for you.
Paula: I'd still like to know who the real terrorists are. Us or them?
Paul: Well, he said once, "You're with us, or against us."
Paula: I am soooo against them.
Paul: Most of America is, sweetie. Count on it.

Thank you for listening.

Paula: This radio address is sponsored by Viagra. Just because Bush can't get it up anymore, doesn't mean you can't.
Paul: The proceeding speech was taped before a live studio audience...
Paula: Their mouths bound by duct tape...
Paul: When in sunny Washington D.C., visit the luscious Watergate Hotel!
Paula: All rights reserved, unless otherwise taken away.
Paul: Copyright 2006. Oh God, where is 2008 already?!